Beagles & Spartans

[essentialsaltes]

I finished Peter S. Beagle's collection The Line Between. How dare these stories be merely good? Unremittingly well-written and above average. "Two Hearts" won the Hugo, but I didn't think it rose above the above-average average of the anthology. I'm not sure if I'm praising with faint damn or damning with faint praise.

Becca and I saw 300 in IMAX. Boy was that a disappointment. Yes, the swords got stabbed into people and the blood went pssssssssssssh in slow motion. Yes, the Oracle makes up for any number of shirtless men with erect nipples I was forced to endure. Nevertheless, even though I knew going in that it was not going to be big on historical accuracy, you would think the screenwriters would take efforts to make the story more better instead of more dumber. Leonidas explains quite clearly the tactical advantages of fighting in a tight hoplite phalanx in a narrow defile when facing an overwhelming number. Yet, almost their first move is to push the Persians out the end of the defile and start spreading out onto the open ground.

And you can just imagine how Dr. Pookie felt, since she has a doctorate in hard-nippled hoplites. The film was her choice, since she felt obligated to see it, but I think she was in a lot more pain than I. After all, the 'real' Oracle (as reported by Herodotus) didn't demand that Leonidas stay home during Lacedemonian Easter; rather it gave Leonidas a choice similar to Achilles':

O ye men who dwell in the streets of broad Lacedaemon!
Either your glorious town shall be sacked by the children of Perseus,
Or, in exchange, must all through the whole Laconian country
Mourn for the loss of a king, descendant of great Heracles.

But even more, I think she missed out seeing the Spartans combing each others' hair before battle, in order to look their best in death [7.208-209]:

It chanced that at this time the Lacedaemonians held the outer guard, and were seen by the spy, some of them engaged in gymnastic exercises, others combing their long hair. At this the spy greatly marvelled, but he counted their number, and when he had taken accurate note of everything, he rode back quietly; for no one pursued after him, nor paid any heed to his visit. So he returned, and told Xerxes all that he had seen.

[7.209] Upon this, Xerxes, who had no means of surmising the truth - namely, that the Spartans were preparing to do or die manfully - but thought it laughable that they should be engaged in such employments, sent and called to his presence Demaratus the son of Ariston, who still remained with the army. When he appeared, Xerxes told him all that he had heard, and questioned him concerning the news, since he was anxious to understand the meaning of such behaviour on the part of the Spartans. Then Demaratus said -

"I spake to thee, O king! concerning these men long since, when we had but just begun our march upon Greece; thou, however, didst only laugh at my words, when I told thee of all this, which I saw would come to pass. Earnestly do I struggle at all times to speak truth to thee, sire; and now listen to it once more. These men have come to dispute the pass with us; and it is for this that they are now making ready. 'Tis their custom, when they are about to hazard their lives, to adorn their heads with care.

Fuck that, let's have a war-rhinoceros!

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I like Greek history. This is probably why I have a doctorate in it, but it is only part of why I found "300" so unfulfilling. I like Greek history partly because the real story of what happened at Thermopylae involves a great deal of heroism, some interesting strategy, and a smattering of human interest. I dislike "300" because pretty much all of the strategy of the battle of Thermopylae, as well as a good deal of the heroism and some of the human interest have been excised from the story.

Those who like the movie do so for the 'look' of the film. I imagine this includes gorgeous teenage girls writhing suggestively, wreathed in mist, and as well as lepers, trolls, and orcs, because nothing about the movie 'looks' at all like Greece actually looks or looked. I agree that the girl was cute and the lepers, trolls, and orcs benefitted from the most awesome makeup and cgi. But that's not enough to make me like a film. Clearly, I am not a 17-year-old fan boy.

Add Leonidas' wife. Fine. But at least make me care about her. Her part of the story was, frankly, boring. She seduces Theron to make him try to save Leonidas, he double crosses her, she stabs him, and a year--a YEAR--later, the Spartans go to war against the Persians. Forgive me, but I'm yawning before the double cross.

Add numerous scenes with a 7-foot-tall, waxed, hardbodied, Xerxes with a growly voice and plucked brows. He's at least as sexy as anything I see regularly while driving through Hollywood, but I'm not interested. There's no hint of an attempt to make him more than a drag queen.

Add the traitor. Make him a hunchback. Explain why he HAD to betray his people. Somehow, it still falls very, very flat. By the end, was anyone else saying "Yeah, he SHOULD have been thrown off that clff when he was born," and then feeling guilty? That was how I felt. The puppets who played Leonidas and his men were equally unfulfilling. By the end, I was actively rooting for them to get the heroic death they were hankering after and to see all the Greeks become sexy slaves of Xerxes.

Finally, put a speech in Leonidas' mouth about how the Greeks fight in a phalanx, but then make the Spartans devastating killers reminiscent of the whirling blades of blenders, who run around outside the narrow 'gates' of Thermopylae for most of the movie, jumping, hacking, and killing, without so much as besmirching their six-pack abs with Persian blood. Is this supposed to make us feel more strongly the sacrifice of these human beings who knew from the moment the scouts were sighted in the pass behind them that they were doomed? And throw in some mouthings about 'freedom.' The Spartans were anti-democratic pricks who enslaved their neighbors, the Messenians, and who forced the Athenians to give up their democracy, but let's ignore that point to get in some cheap rhetoric, reminiscent of the kind of sentiment that had a million flags flying on American cars a few years ago.

Sorry, fan-boys. The message of Thermopylae isn't 'battle and death are glorious, especially when they're for liberty, semi-nude teenage girls, cgi smoke, and bitty leather thongs." Maybe it's "sometimes, even if your wife is a bit mannish, your country is worked by slaves, and you don't much like your fellow countrymen, you're going to go out and sacrifice yourself to buy a little time, because the alternative is, quite frankly, worse."